My Little Book

All the king's horses and all the king's men,

couldn't put me back together again. - All the king's men

How shattered I am,

scattered fragments all around, 

not one culprit to blame, 

for all is my fault,

naivety at its best. 

I'm struggling with the phantom of myself as I am writing this post. Everything is overwhelming. Everything seems to collide with each other for no reason when everything is supposed to run in its tracks accordingly. 

They say, writing helps to ease the uneasiness kept inside, I wonder why my fingers are like dancing sticks, awkward on the pads. 

I slept at 0100 and woke up around 0415 to the barking of dogs. I'm no avid dog lover, but I know what whimpering sounds like and among those barks I swear one was whimpering as if begging for the others to stop. To stop what, I didn't know at the moment. An hour crept by and the barking persisted. I got out of bed to quench my own thirst. If they persisted, I might as well drink on behalf of them. As I walked out of my room, I realized that the barking was even louder as if it's outside my door and then it hit me. On the first floor was a box with a mother cat and her 4 kittens. Basic common sense; dog + cat = most of the times disastrous. I didn't think twice, I opened the door to a scene that haunts me till this moment. Three dogs, adolescents, one with a kitten in it's jaws, one whimpering behind and the other with a kitten near it's maw. Didn't take me much time until I was chasing after them. Those cute little kittens, one with its little intestine trailing out the wound. I picked them up and put them back in the box, found their mom and brought them up to the 2nd floor. The mother didn't want to be near the wounded one, what else could I do except watch. I went back to my room. I was sleepless. Up until now. I managed some chores but that nagging feeling inside, those 'ifs' , What if I checked on them earlier, what if I followed my instincts sooner, than the kitten might have a longer life. But it happened, and the kitten died. 

I'm stressed over a kitten. Overwhelmed by a kitten. A kitten that could be my own. Sigh.

Ironic tak kalau aku cakap nama boyfriend aku yang sekarang ni sama ngan nama ayah aku. So Shyrazrul works both ways, my full name and gabungan nama kitorang, rempit sangat rasa buat camtu. Haha. I don't even know why I have a boyfriend even after all that has happened.

He has trust issues. I have trust issues. 

His ex left him and got engaged with someone else. He says he loves me but he never really trusts me. He said, that experience gave him a major trust issue problem. And I keep reminding him, that I've felt the pain and I know as much as he does that it hurts, but I'm trying my best to open up to him, because that's what you do if you love someone. But he doesn't feel the same way. 

I think it's not fair. 

If he talks about being betrayed, I've been betrayed, not once, not twice, but for how many times that I couldn't even recall. I've been lied to, cheated, and bullshitted and used by men yang lagi teruk daripada pengalaman dia tu. I don't bother telling him, i keep it all pent up inside, because I think that this is not a burden for him to understand. I just want to be happy again. I want to make him happy, make him feel secure, make him feel that I'm there for him, always. I want to make him feel loved and trusted, because I do trust him. It's not easy living with trust issues. But the only thing you can do is ignore that nagging feeling so that you can have a chance at being happy. But he doesn't really grasp that fact that I hold. I want him to make me feel secure too. I want him to understand that through all the pain, I'm here to help him ease them. 

He doesn't understand.

Pain makes you blind. It cuts off the nerves in your head. A sort of defend mechanism. That hurts other people like me. But what else can I do? It's like being scratched and clawed at by your cat. You don't hate them, you just have to except the fact that you've been scratched because the cat doesn't know any better. And you continue to love the cat. 

Aku kecik hati. 

Dia asyik ulang yang dia susah nak percayakan aku. Bukan sebab aku, tapi sebab apa yang terjadi. Habis aku? Yang dah banyak kali kena tipu. Aku rasa macam aku ni tak berbaloi untuk dia, sebab kepercayaan seseorang tu amat bermakna kan? 

It's not fair at all. 

I keep soothing his feelings, convincing him, calming him every time he thinks I'm cheating on him. Sometimes I'm just doing laundry, cooking, playing with my cat, so I take my time replying his texts, and he thinks I'm cheating. I understand when he works, I respect his time to himself, and the pain of me having to convince myself that he's not cheating on me, it runs deep inside. 

What if it's my time to cry. 

Memang tengah nangis pun. The pain of having to start all over with a scar that's not entirely healed is as good as having to jump from a building but not dying once you hit the ground. The pain lingers on. Trust issues is like moving forward, as far as you can go, but you're still chained to the hurt from past relationships. They'll never go away. The pain blinds you. But once a while there's that someone that tugs your heart to just try and give him the chance to break your chain. Either he breaks them. Or he lengthens your chain. 

You just wouldn't know for sure. 

Salamualaikum. Hai. 

Sengaja nak cerita kat sini, sebab malas nak cerita kat kawan-kawan. Takat kena bash je nanti. Haha. 

So kisah dia, aku ni orang Negeri Sembilan, yang belajar kat Sarawak. Satu hari, aku keluar makan steamboat dengan housemates, masa otw balik tu kami singgah dekat area Sentosa sebab kawan aku nak cari ubat sakit perut. So sementara dia turun pergi beli ubat, buka la wechat, (ye aku tau, apehal lah dak dak wicet ni). Suka hati aku la kan. Aku buka people nearby sebab aku tau ada kem dekat area situ. 

FYI, aku ni memang minat dengan tentera dan bomba. Jangan tanya kenapa.

Sambung cerita...

Aku buka kejap, tak add sesiapa pun. Tengok je, tapi memang ada la tentera tentera dalam senarai tu. Settle kawan aku beli ubat, kami balik kolej. Sampai kat kolej, dah rehat, buka tudung, gelak-gelak semua, buka balik wechat and seperti yang disangkakan, adalah tentera yang add. Haha. Bahagia. Ada sorang ni add, aku pun tegur. Dia tanya aku asal mana, aku cakap Negeri Sembilan, dia pun, ha samalah. Aku apa lagi, happy nak mampus la, jumpa orang senegeri, dah rasa macam sekampung pun sebab nak balik kampung aku kena lalu kampung dia. So berkenalan, berkenalan berkenalan berkenalan, aku tak terlintas langsung nak mengurat dia. Aku suka gila berkawan ngan dia, tapi macam tak berani nak cakap aku suka dia. Sebab baru kenal kan (seminggu kenal). Aku fikir mungkin sebab kitorang dari satu negeri yang sama. 

Aku buat benda bodoh.

Sebab jarak umur kitorang 5 tahun, aku tak expect dia untuk tunggu aku, jadi aku kenalkan dekat housemate aku yang senior. And guess what, dia terus tangkap cintan kat akak tu. Lepas dia tangkap cintan tu, aku pun usahakanlah supaya akak tu suka kat mamat tentera ni jugak. And aku berjaya temukan diorang face to face. And now mamat tu memang dah head over heels kat akak rumah aku ni. Dan aku pun sedar yang aku sebenarnya suka kat dia juga. Lol. Kelakar kan. Annoying ada juga. Bodoh ada juga. Dan sekarang aku kena redha yang mungkin itu dah jodoh diorang, Allah tak hadirkan kepastian tu kat aku sebab memang bukan jodoh dia untuk aku. Nak buat macam mana kan? Hati tu Tuhan yang pegang. Dan sekarang aku tengah melalui fasa untuk cuba move on, walaupun aku rasa merangkak-rangkak nak keluar dari fasa ni kepada fasa 'memang dah move on'. 

Dia semacam rasa lega dapat luah kat sini. Tapi kalau dah jodoh diorang, aku sangat happy, sebab aku sayang dua-dua. Tapi hati manusia, kalau dah sedih tu, sedih la, nak buat macam mana kan. Senyum jelah. :)